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Tuesday, October 8, 2013

A Little Lost

So lately I am feeling a little lost.  I love being a wife and a mom and for that matter a sister and daughter but something just feels off. 

We have tried to find home over the last 10 years and we just haven't seemed to find where we want to settle.  Having to stay in the general area for hubby's work makes it tough.  I can honestly say we have lived on every side of town.  And every side is different.

Also having been to all the areas around here I have noticed the people are different.  No, really, they are.  There are different wants and needs and interests.  More so than anywhere I remember living within such a tight radius.

I tend to float from mom group to mom group or friends to friends when I first move somewhere but unfortunately it has stuck.  I am not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing being we are pretty certain we are not staying put.  But our next move hopefully will be our last as in the last to that area but maybe not the last house.

I feel like I put walls up as soon as I know I do not fit in or haven't found my place yet.  So even if I have connected with some people I start to pull away and just stick to those I know.   I like familiarity and trust those that I know longer being I don't want to end up hurt in the end.

So we are pretty sure we are leaving the area and of course old habits die hard and I am starting to pull away.  I also have found that as an adult I pull away when you tell me too much that I just do not agree with.  As in, how you are living your life.  I don't judge you I just live by the rule we are the company we keep. 

Unfortunately this conscious has me rethinking a few of those I have put effort into.  Sometimes I literally find myself wanting to tell someone to shut up that they are telling me too much because I know if they keep talking I will start to get uncomfortable in our friendship.  I guess that is when it is best I keep it as an acquaintance. 

Of course we all have the friends that are always there.  Mine are mostly out of the area which sucks.  I have one that we seem to be in the same book but never on the same page.  (she knows who she is) Its like we say we will try and then don't.  Or quite frankly I start to pull away because I am over feeling left out or like I am second string when it comes to parties and get togethers.  Yet we some how hang on and maybe hold out hope.  I am not sure she even wants to hang on anymore. 

Hubby always contradicts himself as he tells me to go hang out with friends and get some girl time but then he laughs when I say I am lonely or hurt that I was not invited somewhere and says but I have him.  I love him but somehow it is often your friends who can pull you out of a funk or who can laugh with you as your child dive bombs the dog.

It used to be really important to me to have close friends whom were going through similar things so we could chat and relate.  But it feels like lately this will never happen.  The few that I do have seem to have many others that hold the spot before I. And while that is all well and good I feel like the importance of it may be fleeting.

I hear stories of besties traveling together or watch movies where the two friends are always texting and calling and knowing probably way too much about eachothers lives and I crave that relationship.  I really have wondered what am I doing wrong that I have not found this locally.  And often I think my answer is I am looking for it with the wrong people in the wrong place.

Friendships are like marriage, both people have to want to participate to make it work.  And lets be real sometimes it is me and sometimes it is them.  I would also like to blame a little bit on I am not southern and the girls out west are just a little different than those born and raised here.  I am not saying better, just different.

So where does this leave me?  Well it leaves me lost and a little lonely.  It leaves me wondering if the relationship I hope for is even out there. It means that whether I want to admit it or not those who don't want to be close and don't want to hang out and be BFF  wont be.  I have tried the don't think about it and just put effort in and well that can often be disastrous. So for now I guess I will just stay lost.  Eventually it has to work out, I hope.


1 comment:

  1. I understand how you feel. I just lost a really good friend because she betrayed my trust completely. I think we just have to forgive people for the little things. Take the good with the bad because no one is perfect. At least, I think so. I'm still trying to figure it out.

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