There comes a point in every activity, investigation whatever where you know to quit, to stop, to take stock and enjoy, mourn or even just experience whatever you are facing. We are there, I am there.
Recently our daughter has had some issues and concerns. She has had testing, hospital stays, countless doctor appointments and been poked and prodded with the best of them. But we decided we are done, at least for a long while
Last week I went to my husband telling him I felt like she was not getting a chance to just be herself. I was concerned that she didn't need the upcoming tests but we knew she needed to go through them to rule out some concerns. We had previously taken a 6-8 week break but that is not what I was talking about. I wanted to be done, for months.
After 2 days in the hospital and seeing how miserable she was we made the call and made sure we were heard. We first waited to hear that there was not a dire need for a medication or treatment and then we politely asked to go home.
We are now home and the first thing we did was talk about plans to go to Disney next weekend. See it is not about ignoring all that we have been through in the last 33 weeks but to really decide it is time to live and enjoy.
I know some may disagree with our decision for taking a permanent time out but her health as of right now is not at stake. And while she may not be thriving like your child does she is thriving for her. This is ok with us. This is what we want her to continue to do.
I keep feeling like when we get asked the results of this past weekend and what is next and we say nothing it has to be followed up with an explanation. But really it is our choice as her parents and her advocates.
Some would say this is the easy route. But I assure you turning a blind eye to something a doctor has showed concern over or has asked you to watch is anything but easy. Not running to her when she is shaking and may be seizing is not natural but it something we will work on daily.
Make no mistake we will be watching for anything major and will call the doctors or even 911 if necessary but its time for her to thrive and grow and show us what she is capable of. We figure we will continue to respect her needs by continuing to recognize her limitations that could affect her health or comfort but we will not wait or look for the next thing she cant do, doesn't do or even does different.
I just put her down for a nap and let me tell you she is grimy and dirty and over tired. I looked at her and thought I should wash her up and then I decided not to. There was something so "normal" and "typical" in the mess that was on her face and the silly hair she had going on. I know it doesn't seem like a big moment or feat but to just let her be and crawl away was a huge step for me.
We have to give ourselves permission to know best for our selves our children and anything and everyone we are responsible for. Others may not like it or get it but they do not have to.
Monday, September 30, 2013
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Complicated
I am not sure when life got so complicated. Looking back I wonder was it when I realized I no longer had the "working girl" dream of the corner office, or when I rolled over and my stuffed animals had been replaced by a man. It could have even been when I got my first bill I had to pay or for that matter getting the first bill I couldn't pay.
In middle and high school I wanted nothing more than to grow up and move on. I didn't have a place in my school. I floated clique to clique and just wanted out. Over and over I would hear " you don't want to grow up so fast" but just like every other teen out there I didn't listen. Life outside my parents home and away from those who didn't accept me was to be so much more glamorous.
Well it was, at first. I didn't have the party experience in college and I made up for it later on. It took a while to find my space in the world and to accept that my dreams although not typical were mine. Goals of promotions and a big office were replaced with hoping to get the biggest house or most complicated report. Success was now measured in numbers and money, not because that's what was important, but because that's how my industry worked.
I had become a workaholic within a year of starting my career and loved almost every minute of it. Late nights typing, schmoozing clients at the bar and 11pm loan officer phone calls were my norm. I basked in it. I heard "slow down" and "things will change when you have a family". I doubted this and continued to accept any challenge thrown my way.
Meeting my husband was a blessing but none the less threw a monkey wrench in my plans. He was not who I thought I would fall in love with. I mean after the many failed and dysfunctional relationships I was supposed to be taking a break.
We fell hard and fast. The next thing I knew he was living in my "I am going to try being single" apartment. After a few forks in the road we moved back to FL and that's when our life together began. Finding love, real love, didn't fix anything that had been broken in my life as I hoped it would but it did provide a safe place to fall.
We didn't do our wedding the traditional way and if you asked us today we still feel we made the right decision. But little do many know I called off the wedding just months before. Commitment is my short fall. I knew I loved him but forever was too much and as always too complicated. He went with this demand so I figured we may have just beat the inevitable to the punch.
Sure enough we made it down the isle and back home we were living our lives. He went back to school and working was always where I could be found. We enjoyed life but faced hardship both in our relationship as well as the day to day. It seemed like our honeymoon phase was prior to the "I do". None the less we got through the storm and decided things weren't crazy and complicated enough and thought about starting a family.
I remember buying that first pregnancy test and telling no one. When the lines appeared I almost threw up. In the pit of my stomach soothing was off. We faced many big changes at that time, buying a house, telling family and accepting we were now adults. We then faced loss. It wasn't easy but we got through and accepted that while our family wasn't starting at that time we were definitely ready for it when the time was right. I buried myself in work again and hubby did as well.
Pregnancy came again and went faster than ever. We were now parents of the most perfect little boy. He kept us on our toes from that very first moment. In birth I learned what it meant for a mother to love her child and saw the miracle that is life.
He was an easy baby. Slept through the night at 8 weeks, smart as whip. Our biggest challenge was keeping him from injuring himself as he climbed around the house and dismantled electronics.
I was missing being in a small town and our house just wasn't right for us anymore. We sold it and moved to the quintessential small town. While we loved the area it just wasn't meant to be yet. Two more pink lines later an a big brother to be and our entire world changed again as out family was growing and we were still on the hunt for home.
Our baby girl arrived with gusto and completed our stereotypical family. The words about my whole world and attitude changing towards work had never rang more true. I was no longer finding pleasure in completing a report but more in the giggle of my babies. So home is where I stayed.
And then that's when it all got really complicated...
In middle and high school I wanted nothing more than to grow up and move on. I didn't have a place in my school. I floated clique to clique and just wanted out. Over and over I would hear " you don't want to grow up so fast" but just like every other teen out there I didn't listen. Life outside my parents home and away from those who didn't accept me was to be so much more glamorous.
Well it was, at first. I didn't have the party experience in college and I made up for it later on. It took a while to find my space in the world and to accept that my dreams although not typical were mine. Goals of promotions and a big office were replaced with hoping to get the biggest house or most complicated report. Success was now measured in numbers and money, not because that's what was important, but because that's how my industry worked.
I had become a workaholic within a year of starting my career and loved almost every minute of it. Late nights typing, schmoozing clients at the bar and 11pm loan officer phone calls were my norm. I basked in it. I heard "slow down" and "things will change when you have a family". I doubted this and continued to accept any challenge thrown my way.
Meeting my husband was a blessing but none the less threw a monkey wrench in my plans. He was not who I thought I would fall in love with. I mean after the many failed and dysfunctional relationships I was supposed to be taking a break.
We fell hard and fast. The next thing I knew he was living in my "I am going to try being single" apartment. After a few forks in the road we moved back to FL and that's when our life together began. Finding love, real love, didn't fix anything that had been broken in my life as I hoped it would but it did provide a safe place to fall.
We didn't do our wedding the traditional way and if you asked us today we still feel we made the right decision. But little do many know I called off the wedding just months before. Commitment is my short fall. I knew I loved him but forever was too much and as always too complicated. He went with this demand so I figured we may have just beat the inevitable to the punch.
Sure enough we made it down the isle and back home we were living our lives. He went back to school and working was always where I could be found. We enjoyed life but faced hardship both in our relationship as well as the day to day. It seemed like our honeymoon phase was prior to the "I do". None the less we got through the storm and decided things weren't crazy and complicated enough and thought about starting a family.
I remember buying that first pregnancy test and telling no one. When the lines appeared I almost threw up. In the pit of my stomach soothing was off. We faced many big changes at that time, buying a house, telling family and accepting we were now adults. We then faced loss. It wasn't easy but we got through and accepted that while our family wasn't starting at that time we were definitely ready for it when the time was right. I buried myself in work again and hubby did as well.
Pregnancy came again and went faster than ever. We were now parents of the most perfect little boy. He kept us on our toes from that very first moment. In birth I learned what it meant for a mother to love her child and saw the miracle that is life.
He was an easy baby. Slept through the night at 8 weeks, smart as whip. Our biggest challenge was keeping him from injuring himself as he climbed around the house and dismantled electronics.
I was missing being in a small town and our house just wasn't right for us anymore. We sold it and moved to the quintessential small town. While we loved the area it just wasn't meant to be yet. Two more pink lines later an a big brother to be and our entire world changed again as out family was growing and we were still on the hunt for home.
Our baby girl arrived with gusto and completed our stereotypical family. The words about my whole world and attitude changing towards work had never rang more true. I was no longer finding pleasure in completing a report but more in the giggle of my babies. So home is where I stayed.
And then that's when it all got really complicated...
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