A Little Lost

So lately I am feeling a little lost.  I love being a wife and a mom and for that matter a sister and daughter but something just feels off. 

We have tried to find home over the last 10 years and we just haven't seemed to find where we want to settle.  Having to stay in the general area for hubby's work makes it tough.  I can honestly say we have lived on every side of town.  And every side is different.

Also having been to all the areas around here I have noticed the people are different.  No, really, they are.  There are different wants and needs and interests.  More so than anywhere I remember living within such a tight radius.

I tend to float from mom group to mom group or friends to friends when I first move somewhere but unfortunately it has stuck.  I am not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing being we are pretty certain we are not staying put.  But our next move hopefully will be our last as in the last to that area but maybe not the last house.

I feel like I put walls up as soon as I know I do not fit in or haven't found my place yet.  So even if I have connected with some people I start to pull away and just stick to those I know.   I like familiarity and trust those that I know longer being I don't want to end up hurt in the end.

So we are pretty sure we are leaving the area and of course old habits die hard and I am starting to pull away.  I also have found that as an adult I pull away when you tell me too much that I just do not agree with.  As in, how you are living your life.  I don't judge you I just live by the rule we are the company we keep. 

Unfortunately this conscious has me rethinking a few of those I have put effort into.  Sometimes I literally find myself wanting to tell someone to shut up that they are telling me too much because I know if they keep talking I will start to get uncomfortable in our friendship.  I guess that is when it is best I keep it as an acquaintance. 

Of course we all have the friends that are always there.  Mine are mostly out of the area which sucks.  I have one that we seem to be in the same book but never on the same page.  (she knows who she is) Its like we say we will try and then don't.  Or quite frankly I start to pull away because I am over feeling left out or like I am second string when it comes to parties and get togethers.  Yet we some how hang on and maybe hold out hope.  I am not sure she even wants to hang on anymore. 

Hubby always contradicts himself as he tells me to go hang out with friends and get some girl time but then he laughs when I say I am lonely or hurt that I was not invited somewhere and says but I have him.  I love him but somehow it is often your friends who can pull you out of a funk or who can laugh with you as your child dive bombs the dog.

It used to be really important to me to have close friends whom were going through similar things so we could chat and relate.  But it feels like lately this will never happen.  The few that I do have seem to have many others that hold the spot before I. And while that is all well and good I feel like the importance of it may be fleeting.

I hear stories of besties traveling together or watch movies where the two friends are always texting and calling and knowing probably way too much about eachothers lives and I crave that relationship.  I really have wondered what am I doing wrong that I have not found this locally.  And often I think my answer is I am looking for it with the wrong people in the wrong place.

Friendships are like marriage, both people have to want to participate to make it work.  And lets be real sometimes it is me and sometimes it is them.  I would also like to blame a little bit on I am not southern and the girls out west are just a little different than those born and raised here.  I am not saying better, just different.

So where does this leave me?  Well it leaves me lost and a little lonely.  It leaves me wondering if the relationship I hope for is even out there. It means that whether I want to admit it or not those who don't want to be close and don't want to hang out and be BFF  wont be.  I have tried the don't think about it and just put effort in and well that can often be disastrous. So for now I guess I will just stay lost.  Eventually it has to work out, I hope.

"Again?"

We have a rule in our house, no one works two jobs no matter what.  Plain and simple.  Of course this is null and void if the jobs are paying you $8 and hour. But if we are in our career and we are gainfully employed there is to be no second jobs.  The way we see it extras do not come in material objects or new clothes they come in time with the family. Or as B sees it time with Daddy.

There have been many ups and downs through our relationship but we have come to realize that no object can trump that smile on a park outing or even that throw of a pillow on a lazy day.  Now this is not to say there have not been moments where we want more or think we need more that the idea has come up but the rule is if we want more we need to reevaluate our lives but if there is truly a need it has to come from somewhere else. 

Now our jobs are different things.  Todd works away from the home and I work in the home.  He gains a paycheck and I keep our kids alive.  We have teetered with the idea of me working again but it is not in the cards right now.  However if a  need arose I would certainly return to the paid workforce prior to him ever considering a second job. 

With all this said and followed with in our home imagine how I felt when B asked for daddy and I had to inform him he was working and his response, "AGAIN?".  To say Todd has been working alot lately is an understatement.  He is under the gun with a new role and new deadlines and I could not be happier that he is happy and enjoying a new role at work.  But on the flip man does B miss daddy.

In that moment he was actually working from home so it was easy enough to walk to him and say time for  a break.  But there have certainly been times when I want to yell at the phone for yet another late night. 

It is funny how we as Americans measure success in the money we make and the items we have.  I actually don't quite get it now that I have two littles buying for my time and for daddy.  It broke my heart that B saw Todd working in the evening as a burden to him. 

I mean I knew he valued his bedtime routine with Daddy but I do not think I realized that at such a young age he knew that he was the one getting jipped, so to speak.  In that moment I knew things needed to change and so they have.

While obviously Todd has to work and work hard he now also has to take a break to spend that one on one time with B.  Of course if there is no way he can be at home due to a meeting or a deadline that day it is ok but then we need to make a special effort later in the week or on the weekend.  And special may mean extra time in the back yard or watching a football game together.

But for all intensive purposes if he is home then Daddy must be Daddy and tuck him in and spend the time he so thoroughly craves playing their games.  No ifs ands or buts about it.  We made a commitment to have these children and they come first.  Whether or not that means I get a little less hubby time or he gets a little less sleep we are adults and we understand it and know that it is not a punishment or because we are not loved.

I think it was truly in that "Again?" moment I realized how much of a sponge they are and how much our babies could care less about having the neatest toy but just want us.  Ya, ya we hear it all the time, spend time with your kids that is all they want.  But the fact of the matter is just like any other lesson, until you realize it is your baby who is missing out or who is feeling second you don't really worry too much about it. 

While we thought we had done such a great job implementing the no second job rule we fell short in the dont let your career ever trump your child.  I think this is something we will have to work on but I am proud of us to say the least that we nipped it in the butt.  Because honestly I would give up the newer home, newer cars, extra toys and clothes to never have to feel the way I did walking out of the room that night. 

Family is the most important thing and 10 years from now you bet B will remember the 30 minutes a night Todd did or didn't spend with him over the new toy that the overtime or a second job would earn. 

Cause lets be real, don't you????