A Little Lost

So lately I am feeling a little lost.  I love being a wife and a mom and for that matter a sister and daughter but something just feels off. 

We have tried to find home over the last 10 years and we just haven't seemed to find where we want to settle.  Having to stay in the general area for hubby's work makes it tough.  I can honestly say we have lived on every side of town.  And every side is different.

Also having been to all the areas around here I have noticed the people are different.  No, really, they are.  There are different wants and needs and interests.  More so than anywhere I remember living within such a tight radius.

I tend to float from mom group to mom group or friends to friends when I first move somewhere but unfortunately it has stuck.  I am not sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing being we are pretty certain we are not staying put.  But our next move hopefully will be our last as in the last to that area but maybe not the last house.

I feel like I put walls up as soon as I know I do not fit in or haven't found my place yet.  So even if I have connected with some people I start to pull away and just stick to those I know.   I like familiarity and trust those that I know longer being I don't want to end up hurt in the end.

So we are pretty sure we are leaving the area and of course old habits die hard and I am starting to pull away.  I also have found that as an adult I pull away when you tell me too much that I just do not agree with.  As in, how you are living your life.  I don't judge you I just live by the rule we are the company we keep. 

Unfortunately this conscious has me rethinking a few of those I have put effort into.  Sometimes I literally find myself wanting to tell someone to shut up that they are telling me too much because I know if they keep talking I will start to get uncomfortable in our friendship.  I guess that is when it is best I keep it as an acquaintance. 

Of course we all have the friends that are always there.  Mine are mostly out of the area which sucks.  I have one that we seem to be in the same book but never on the same page.  (she knows who she is) Its like we say we will try and then don't.  Or quite frankly I start to pull away because I am over feeling left out or like I am second string when it comes to parties and get togethers.  Yet we some how hang on and maybe hold out hope.  I am not sure she even wants to hang on anymore. 

Hubby always contradicts himself as he tells me to go hang out with friends and get some girl time but then he laughs when I say I am lonely or hurt that I was not invited somewhere and says but I have him.  I love him but somehow it is often your friends who can pull you out of a funk or who can laugh with you as your child dive bombs the dog.

It used to be really important to me to have close friends whom were going through similar things so we could chat and relate.  But it feels like lately this will never happen.  The few that I do have seem to have many others that hold the spot before I. And while that is all well and good I feel like the importance of it may be fleeting.

I hear stories of besties traveling together or watch movies where the two friends are always texting and calling and knowing probably way too much about eachothers lives and I crave that relationship.  I really have wondered what am I doing wrong that I have not found this locally.  And often I think my answer is I am looking for it with the wrong people in the wrong place.

Friendships are like marriage, both people have to want to participate to make it work.  And lets be real sometimes it is me and sometimes it is them.  I would also like to blame a little bit on I am not southern and the girls out west are just a little different than those born and raised here.  I am not saying better, just different.

So where does this leave me?  Well it leaves me lost and a little lonely.  It leaves me wondering if the relationship I hope for is even out there. It means that whether I want to admit it or not those who don't want to be close and don't want to hang out and be BFF  wont be.  I have tried the don't think about it and just put effort in and well that can often be disastrous. So for now I guess I will just stay lost.  Eventually it has to work out, I hope.

"Again?"

We have a rule in our house, no one works two jobs no matter what.  Plain and simple.  Of course this is null and void if the jobs are paying you $8 and hour. But if we are in our career and we are gainfully employed there is to be no second jobs.  The way we see it extras do not come in material objects or new clothes they come in time with the family. Or as B sees it time with Daddy.

There have been many ups and downs through our relationship but we have come to realize that no object can trump that smile on a park outing or even that throw of a pillow on a lazy day.  Now this is not to say there have not been moments where we want more or think we need more that the idea has come up but the rule is if we want more we need to reevaluate our lives but if there is truly a need it has to come from somewhere else. 

Now our jobs are different things.  Todd works away from the home and I work in the home.  He gains a paycheck and I keep our kids alive.  We have teetered with the idea of me working again but it is not in the cards right now.  However if a  need arose I would certainly return to the paid workforce prior to him ever considering a second job. 

With all this said and followed with in our home imagine how I felt when B asked for daddy and I had to inform him he was working and his response, "AGAIN?".  To say Todd has been working alot lately is an understatement.  He is under the gun with a new role and new deadlines and I could not be happier that he is happy and enjoying a new role at work.  But on the flip man does B miss daddy.

In that moment he was actually working from home so it was easy enough to walk to him and say time for  a break.  But there have certainly been times when I want to yell at the phone for yet another late night. 

It is funny how we as Americans measure success in the money we make and the items we have.  I actually don't quite get it now that I have two littles buying for my time and for daddy.  It broke my heart that B saw Todd working in the evening as a burden to him. 

I mean I knew he valued his bedtime routine with Daddy but I do not think I realized that at such a young age he knew that he was the one getting jipped, so to speak.  In that moment I knew things needed to change and so they have.

While obviously Todd has to work and work hard he now also has to take a break to spend that one on one time with B.  Of course if there is no way he can be at home due to a meeting or a deadline that day it is ok but then we need to make a special effort later in the week or on the weekend.  And special may mean extra time in the back yard or watching a football game together.

But for all intensive purposes if he is home then Daddy must be Daddy and tuck him in and spend the time he so thoroughly craves playing their games.  No ifs ands or buts about it.  We made a commitment to have these children and they come first.  Whether or not that means I get a little less hubby time or he gets a little less sleep we are adults and we understand it and know that it is not a punishment or because we are not loved.

I think it was truly in that "Again?" moment I realized how much of a sponge they are and how much our babies could care less about having the neatest toy but just want us.  Ya, ya we hear it all the time, spend time with your kids that is all they want.  But the fact of the matter is just like any other lesson, until you realize it is your baby who is missing out or who is feeling second you don't really worry too much about it. 

While we thought we had done such a great job implementing the no second job rule we fell short in the dont let your career ever trump your child.  I think this is something we will have to work on but I am proud of us to say the least that we nipped it in the butt.  Because honestly I would give up the newer home, newer cars, extra toys and clothes to never have to feel the way I did walking out of the room that night. 

Family is the most important thing and 10 years from now you bet B will remember the 30 minutes a night Todd did or didn't spend with him over the new toy that the overtime or a second job would earn. 

Cause lets be real, don't you????

Letting it Be

There comes a point in every activity, investigation whatever where you know to quit, to stop, to take stock and enjoy, mourn or even just experience whatever you are facing.  We are there, I am there.

Recently our daughter has had some issues and concerns.  She has had testing, hospital stays, countless doctor appointments and been poked and prodded with the best of them.  But we decided we are done, at least for a long while

Last week I went to my husband telling him I felt like she was not getting a chance to just be herself.  I was concerned that she didn't need the upcoming tests but we knew she needed to go through them to rule out some concerns.  We had previously taken a 6-8 week break but that is not what I was talking about.  I wanted to be done, for months.

After 2 days in the hospital and seeing how miserable she was we made the call and made sure we were heard.  We first waited to hear that there was not a dire need for a medication or treatment and then we politely asked to go home. 

We are now home and the first thing we did was talk about plans to go to Disney next weekend.  See it is not about ignoring all that we have been through in the last 33 weeks but to really decide it is time to live and enjoy.

I know some may disagree with our decision for taking a permanent time out but her health as of right now is not at stake.  And while she may not be thriving like your child does she is thriving for her.  This is ok with us.  This is what we want her to continue to do.

I keep feeling like when we get asked the results of this past weekend and what is next and we say nothing it has to be followed up with an explanation.  But really it is our choice as her parents and her advocates.

Some would say this is the easy route.  But I assure you turning a blind eye to something a doctor has showed concern over or has asked you to watch is anything but easy.  Not running to her when she is shaking and may be seizing is not natural but it something we will work on daily.

Make no mistake we will be watching for anything major  and will call the doctors or even 911 if necessary but its time for her to thrive and grow and show us what she is capable of.  We figure we will continue to respect her needs by continuing to recognize her limitations that could affect her health or comfort but we will not wait or look for the next thing she cant do, doesn't do or even does different.

I just put her down for a nap and let me tell you she is grimy and dirty and over tired.  I looked at her and thought I should wash her up and then I decided not to.  There was something so "normal" and "typical" in the mess that was on her face and the silly hair she had going on.  I know it doesn't seem like a big moment or feat but to just let her be and crawl away was a huge step for me. 

We have to give ourselves permission to know best for our selves our children and anything and everyone we are responsible for.  Others may not like it or get it but they do not have to. 

Complicated

I am not sure when life got so complicated. Looking back I wonder was it when I realized I no longer had the "working girl" dream of the corner office, or when I rolled over and my stuffed animals had been replaced by a man. It could have even been when I got my first bill I had to pay or for that matter getting the first bill I couldn't pay.

In middle and high school I wanted nothing more than to grow up and move on. I didn't have a place in my school. I floated clique to clique and just wanted out. Over and over I would hear " you don't want to grow up so fast" but just like every other teen out there I didn't listen. Life outside my parents home and away from those who didn't accept me was to be so much more glamorous.

Well it was, at first. I didn't have the party experience in college and I made up for it later on. It took a while to find my space in the world and to accept that my dreams although not typical were mine. Goals of promotions and a big office were replaced with hoping to get the biggest house or most complicated report. Success was now measured in numbers and money, not because that's what was important, but because that's how my industry worked.

I had become a workaholic within a year of starting my career and loved almost every minute of it. Late nights typing, schmoozing clients at the bar and 11pm loan officer phone calls were my norm. I basked in it. I heard "slow down" and "things will change when you have a family". I doubted this and continued to accept any challenge thrown my way.

Meeting my husband was a blessing but none the less threw a monkey wrench in my plans. He was not who I thought I would fall in love with. I mean after the many failed and dysfunctional relationships I was supposed to be taking a break.

We fell hard and fast. The next thing I knew he was living in my "I am going to try being single" apartment. After a few forks in the road we moved back to FL and that's when our life together began. Finding love, real love, didn't fix anything that had been broken in my life as I hoped it would but it did provide a safe place to fall.

We didn't do our wedding the traditional way and if you asked us today we still feel we made the right decision. But little do many know I called off the wedding just months before. Commitment is my short fall. I knew I loved him but forever was too much and as always too complicated. He went with this demand so I figured we may have just beat the inevitable to the punch.

Sure enough we made it down the isle and back home we were living our lives. He went back to school and working was always where I could be found. We enjoyed life but faced hardship both in our relationship as well as the day to day. It seemed like our honeymoon phase was prior to the "I do". None the less we got through the storm and decided things weren't crazy and complicated enough and thought about starting a family.

I remember buying that first pregnancy test and telling no one. When the lines appeared I almost threw up. In the pit of my stomach soothing was off. We faced many big changes at that time, buying a house, telling family and accepting we were now adults. We then faced loss. It wasn't easy but we got through and accepted that while our family wasn't starting at that time we were definitely ready for it when the time was right. I buried myself in work again and hubby did as well.

Pregnancy came again and went faster than ever. We were now parents of the most perfect little boy. He kept us on our toes from that very first moment. In birth I learned what it meant for a mother to love her child and saw the miracle that is life.

He was an easy baby. Slept through the night at 8 weeks, smart as whip. Our biggest challenge was keeping him from injuring himself as he climbed around the house and dismantled electronics.

I was missing being in a small town and our house just wasn't right for us anymore. We sold it and moved to the quintessential small town. While we loved the area it just wasn't meant to be yet. Two more pink lines later an a big brother to be and our entire world changed again as out family was growing and we were still on the hunt for home.

Our baby girl arrived with gusto and completed our stereotypical family. The words about my whole world and attitude changing towards work had never rang more true. I was no longer finding pleasure in completing a report  but more in the giggle of my babies. So home is where I stayed.

And then that's when it all got really complicated...